It’s a common truth that most of us believe we’re great at giving advice to others - whether they want to listen, or not - yet we’re not so good at advising ourselves.
While we may get irritated with the recipients of our wise counsel when they don’t do what we think is best for them, it’s generally the case that nor do we listen to our own reasoning, when, if we did, we’d make life much easier.
So, how can we learn to listen to our own advice?
The thing that I’ve become aware of, recently, is that we have two distinct ‘voices’ in our heads, when we think: one is the unconscious, unruly noise of the overactive mind (which is more of a mad gibbering than coherent speech), whereas the other is conscious, precise and much more sensible.
At least in my experience, it feels that this conscious voice is at the front of my head, in the area of the forehead, and the unconscious thoughts come from the back of the skull.
When engaged, this conscious voice drowns out the flitting, critical over-thinking of the unconscious, egoic mind – the illusionary, phantom ‘self’ that first causes, then exacerbates all our emotional pain. In the extremes, the ego can literally destroy you… more commonly, it causes anxiety, depression and other related, miserable mood disorders, so it’s in our interest to silence it as best we can.
You may think I’m talking out of my bum-hole by now, but here’s how to recognise these two voices and two very different ways of thinking…
Firstly, cast your mind to an event in the past that still troubles you, today. It doesn’t have to be anything particularly traumatic – it could be just a lost wallet or purse, or perhaps an exam that you didn’t study hard enough for and failed.
This is unconscious thinking. Your ego is telling you a story about how stupid or useless you are, because it feeds off negative energy. The more down and depressed it can make you, the stronger it becomes.
Now, after listening to your mind telling itself this sad story for the umpteenth time, try engaging your conscious voice.
I think the best example of finding this is ‘speaking’ to yourself, though without actually making an outward sound. Without uttering words, it becomes a voice in your head, but unlike the ramblings of the ego, you can actually make this conscious voice make sense – even if you’re a man.
You can use this sensible voice to offer yourself advice, as you would advise a friend who was experiencing trouble in their life.
If you’re stuck in traffic, late for work and your mind is racing, stressing you out more and more, engage the conscious voice and say: “Hey, don’t worry. You’ll get there when you get there. There’s no point beating yourself up about it.”
If you look in the mirror and your egoic thinking becomes critical, not liking what it sees, engage the conscious voice and say: “You’re just who you are. Don’t listen to your brain. We both know it’s an idiot most of the time.”
You can also use this conscious voice as a narrative over your life, overriding the clawing thoughts of the ego. Say you’re out for a walk and you feel yourself being drawn into dark memories, lift yourself out of it by describing the world around you. Focus on every detail and tell yourself what you’re seeing – sounds, colours and shapes.
It’s a very simple practice that all of us can engage in, and it gives us the ability to actually be a good friend to ourselves, as we should be.
I'll try it.
ReplyDeleteAny idea what to do when these dark thoughts turn up in the middle of the night and take you over? Every part of your brain?
I've written a blog about just that, Friko:
Deletehttp://lesism.blogspot.com/2011/06/perchance-to-dream.html
Hope it helps! :-)
Beautifully written and very well explained Les. I hope it helps a lot of people.
ReplyDeleteThanks, lovely! :-) x
DeleteHi Les - here's my simple bit of guidance on the question "which voice in my head do I trust?". A wee video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKaDhddJTKw
ReplyDeleteThat's wonderful, Srimati! Thank you! Must have a more thorough check through your site! :-)
DeleteInteresting take on your internal dialogue. Aiming towards actualisation or already there?
ReplyDeleteIt's a voice that anyone can activate. Simply speak in your mind, rather than out loud, and give yourself advice as you would to a friend.
DeleteMy inner spiritual voice have saved me from a lot of dark moments in my life.. I love how you explained it in your blog... I have been battling "the enemy inside of me" for sometime now.
ReplyDeleteKitt3y, we all have an enemy inside (hug), it's all just past of life.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this post, but I would like to throw a few ideas just to see what happens:
1. It is possibe to have a 'good ego', one that will, when the front of the brain rests, give you nice thoughts. I call it cleansing of the heart.
2. At a momet when things go bad, it's important to give yourself a few moments - you don't want to stop feeling (I believe in emotions and I think they make us humans great), so you have to find a way to deal with emotions. Don't be afraid to hurt. Calm everything around you and just think how time cures everything, your pain will drift until its completely gone. The worst of it happens in that first instant - I think this is why many people block when they get bad news, or they go through denial, or something like that; body's natural mechanism to give you the time-distance required to cope with pain.
3. You may feel like you have no control over your emotions, but you do over your mind and your mind governs your actions. If you practice the mind it will become strong enough to over-ride any action your emotions may drive you to. After all, bad actions can only make matters worse.
4. Rationalise by preparing a set of simple questions: Am I hurting anyone? What are the likely consequences? How will this make me feel? Is there a better option etc - make your own questions depending on what matters to you. Once you have the questions, its easier to concentrate the mind. Once your mind drifts away into that, your emotions can be 'like' shadowed, again, giving you some space.
These are but few of my own experience. Hope it helps and thanks for writing this post.
Awesome explanation! TY!
DeleteThe "bad" introject
ReplyDeleteI love this. I am way too hard on myself for simple mistakes. I'm definitely going to use the "location" of thoughts exercise to start letting go of that egoic thought.
ReplyDeleteHi, Les, just found this through Twitter. I like what you're doing here! I access my unconscious mind through meditation to get it to provide positive input on a regular basis. Gotta do it, 'cause like you said, we can't listen to our conscious brain when it beats us up--it's an idiot most of the time. :-)
ReplyDeleteCheck out Internal Family Systems (IFS), originally by Richard Schwartz. He found each of us have many parts & their role is to protect us but sometimes they take on extreme roles & over do it. He also found in all of us, no matter what we have experienced, a core part he called the 'self.' The self's characteristics follow Csikszentmikyali's description of Flow experiences. Most of us do not believe we have this core part and look for our answers or distractions outside of us. Learning to live from within Self & recognize the other parts & how they are trying to help allows us to find a greater sense of balance (e.g. I learned my back pain last year was a part trying to distract from some emotional pain
ReplyDeleteI tried not long ago to explain this concept to a friend who was depressed. But I certainly couldn't convey it as clearly and beautifully as you did. I wish I had read your blog before that- I would have just sent her the link.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for sharing your marvelous insights.
Lovely words - thank you - makes me realise I'm way too hard on myself ;-)
ReplyDeleteInteresting you mention hearing the "conscious" voice from behind your forehead. That is where the frontal cortex is located, and it is the seat of cognition and rational thinking. As for the unconscious in the back of the head, I see no anatomical reason for it. The so-called emotional center, the amygdala, is deep within the brain, more toward the middle, if memory serves (bio major, but my neuroanatomy is a bit weak). All that being said, I have experienced the conscious thought feeling close to the front and unconscious thoughts in the back. Odd, right?
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your words it feels like you plucked them right out of my head. I cherish these posts. thanks
ReplyDeleteIt seems I would have taken on a kinder, more meaningful approach to my thoughts at a younger age, but alas it is never too late. I'm still alive, right? In the past year, at the ripe old age of 41, I am exploring mindfulness and have seen the benefits in only a short time. Writing like this is inspiring, and I thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI have found over the years, I have many voices in my head. I call them "trains" running on separate but parallel tracks. Some are slow and some are fast. Some have almost shut down. One or another may have the attention at any given time, and then it will shift to another one who will race ahead. It is difficult to shut out the most noisy ones in order to hear the soft voice or reason or God's voice in my spirit, but it can be done with practice and persistence. Slowing down and simply listening is the key.
ReplyDeleteHi loving your posts... some time ago i learned about a 3,000 year old buddhist concept of three thousand realms in a single moment of time. As i examined it i came to realise that every thought, feeling or action has 3,000 perspectives. It's upto me how I look at things.. sometimes i'm just paddling up stream and just have to turn the'canoe' around and go with the flow. Choosing to enjoy the ride and not get so scared along the way!.
ReplyDeletebest wishes dollydaydream x
Just an aside: I believe that criticism is critical to a healthy mind/life.
ReplyDeleteThe technical term for it is "positive self-talk," and it's held in high esteem by most psychologists, being especially useful for those who suffer from depression. But way to describe it in a way that most of us can relate to!
ReplyDeleteLike what you're saying here Les. Would only add on to it this; there is a third voice above the sub-conscious and conscious voice and that's the super-conscious voice. The one that whispers through our intuition, not rattles through our logical rational brain.
ReplyDeleteEach state of consciouness has a signature. That signature in a movement of energy. Subconscious is downward, into sleep and escape. Conscious is reactive to outward conditions. Its alert but more nervous as an energetic state. When superconscious mind speaks it brings about a state of expansive calmness or interior joy.
We can know our voices by the effect they have upon us.
The challenge for us all is to get less wrapped up in identifying with our voices and more in listening intuitively how that which is want's to serve others thru us.
Afterall isn't that the real result of pure conversations?
Thank you Les for the clear and concise steps to get in tune with the present as an observer. It works for me especially when confronting what I perceive as inner or outer demons. Maintaing consciousness in a multi-dimensional world is a challenge.
ReplyDelete