Monday, 6 June 2011

The Legend of the Pussy Warrior (Video)



“They said there was a cat that could never be stroked…”

I was working at a small pub in Devon, England, about five years ago – living just above the bar (in a room on the next floor, rather than in a hammock or anything silly like that) – and the building, being in a quaint village in the rural outskirts of Exeter, had a thatched roof… so obviously, it was a bit of a no-no to smoke inside it.

Because I generally used to be up until the early hours of the morning, chilling out after a late finish, I’d go out into the kitchen courtyard during the night, to smoke.

There was a little shed there that contained pots and pans and spiders, and I could sit there in all weather to feed my foolish addiction without worrying about accidentally arsoning anything.

These were times of quiet contemplation, when the hustle and bustle of the busy brunt of the day was over and done with, and I had that vast chasm of sleep to look forward to, before it all began again.

One night… something took me out of my reverie… a noise…

… the tinkling of a bell…

I don’t do drugs, so I knew it wasn’t a fairy.

That left only one explanation…

A CAT!

There was a cat that I hadn’t met!

Now, I pride myself on my rapport with kitties and – wherever I’ve ended up in my life – there’s always been a cat for me to make friends with, and there was never an occasion where I’ve tried and failed to forge that bond.

“Hello, little kittypuss!” I said, rising slowly from my chair, when I saw her walking along the top of the coal bunker at the back of the yard. “How are you?”

She stopped in her tracks and looked at me.

I purred.

She turned in a flash and darted through a hole in the hedge, and within seconds, the sound of her bell vanished with her into the night.

“Nooooo!” I cried, falling to my knees. “I just wanted to love you!”

Mournfully, I dragged my sorry limbs to bed.

The next morning, I was talking to the manager, Mike – who also lived above the pub (in a separate room, with his girlfriend… nothing kinky going on between the three of us) – and said I saw the cat, but it ran away.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that that was a cat that would never be stroked. He had worked at the pub for a couple of years and had never even got close. He told me to forget about it… to put it out of my mind entirely… never to let the ridiculous idea cross the tracks of my fantasy/reality boundaries ever, ever again.

But I wasn’t going to give up my new dream…

Weeks later…

… well, you only have to see the video to know that I am a man who makes his dreams come true!

I showed my video evidence to Mike the next morning and he actually spewed his breakfast onto the floor, such was the twist of envy in the pit of his stomach.

But he was an honourable man and after he regained his composure, he marched me into the bar, to the cash till, and changed my bar-tab name on there from ‘Les’ to ‘PUSSY WARRIOR’.

I are legend (in the rural outskirts of Exeter)!

Quite embarrassingly, though, there was an old couple in the pub that night, and for some reason, I bought them both a drink close to the end of time (in the sense of last orders, rather than through fear of some quantum calamity) and as I rang it into the till and added it to my tab, the old lady… who must have been in her 70s, smiled and said…

“Ooh? Pussy Warrior?”

I think she winked, too, but it could have been the remnant twitch of a recovered stroke, so I didn’t say anything.

The Smoking Sanctuary

41 comments:

  1. Hehehe... thanks, Debra! :-)

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  2. Wow, this post had something for everyone: Triumph against all odds, envy puking, video evidence, the phrase 'pussy warrior'...

    Nicely done oh legendary friend of felines near, far and antisocial!

    Loved this post Les!

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  3. Hehehehe... thank you, Ann! :-)

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  4. interesting..in so many ways ;-)

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  5. You may get angry comments from disappointed teen boys, but I think you're a LOVELY pussy warrior!

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  6. Hahaha! Thank you, Lizlo! :-)

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  7. Meow :) The title fooled me a bit ;)

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  8. Prrrrr! I've no idea why the title would have given you any other impression than the execution of exceptional cat-whispering talents.

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  9. The title definitely made me want to read it. I was thinking something totally different. Nice post!

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  10. so glad you started following me on Twitter. If you hadn't I never would have read this amazing post.

    First of all I LOVE your style of writing, second you SMOKE (kidding!!! I smoke and it is an awful habit but WTF)...

    3rd (but it should be 2nd) the CAT! You have a magical way with cats! She not only allowed you to pet her she was relishing it.

    I bet that "wink" wasn't a remnant of the stroke (wink, wink!!)

    Honored to have found you and I am now following you!

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  11. Hello! Hehe, thank you for your kind words and also for your recognition of the excellence of my cat-whispering. Great to meet you! :-)

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  12. You know what? You challenge us to be open and believe in the open heart.

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  13. Hehe... I guess so. If I believed this cat could never be stroked, I never would have been there to stroke it.

    Thank you for the smile, Mary! :-)

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  14. "“Nooooo!” I cried, falling to my knees. “I just wanted to love you!”"

    Bwahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
    You are now offically declared: insane! Ha!

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  15. Why are you laughing? It was a moment of tragedy for me!

    Would you laugh if I had one of my teeth pulled at the dentist?

    Women...

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  16. You should be happy you made me laugh. It was still early in the morning (for me) when I read this, and I rarely laugh before lunchtime. You have achieved something nigh on impossible today.

    And women are easy to understand ... once you know how .... :)

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  17. Hehe, thank you for the great honour, then, and I'm pleased to have made your day a little brighter already.

    Smiling. :-)

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  18. You'll have to tell the bartender that the secret is that you have to know how to stroke them.

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  19. Good story, well told.I'm a cat lover (mostly) myself! Great shame though that you're posted on YouTube together with a lot of porn - really took the shine off an otherwise charming little video (no, I'm not actually a prude either)!

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  20. Hi Elizabeth! I'm afraid I can't censor the rest of YouTube and the title was appropriate to the video and the tale I was telling. :-)

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  21. Yes, Dr. Dolittle! Paraphrasing Cher, most definitely 'It's in his stroke'. :-)

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  22. I lived in Exeter for many years before I moved to Scotland and there were always tales of the Pussy Warrior.
    But I thought you only a mere legend.
    Oh do forgive my lack of faith.
    I will never doubt you again :-))
    Mary x

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  23. Loved reading this - so many funny moments but this really had me LMAO
    I don’t do drugs, so I knew it wasn’t a fairy.

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  24. Hehehe... thank you, Jo! Glad you enjoyed! :-)

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  25. you know i enjoyed this one.. i teased you about it earlier.. thank you for this great writing.. LN

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  26. Very charming. I tried to resist, but I couldn't. I just had to see how you won over the cat that could never be stroked.
    Thank you for sharing.

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  27. Hehe, thanks for watching and reading, AL. :-)

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  28. Oh, so glad you put "they said there was a cat that would never be stroked" on twitter after the title. I'd never have read it if I thought it was porn. I love cats too and love your sense of humor in writing. I'm glad you pulled me out of the twitter abyss, Lesism-or. Yeah, Les is more.

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  29. I finally succumbed to curiosity and read the post. lol. Nice one, Les.

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  30. Awesome, Les. this is a short film starring Michael sheen waiting to happen.

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  31. Few people have it and most people don't: The Pussy Cat Stroke. Cats just know who is there for them. At this time, I am owned by 9 cats. Only one is cautious about being petted and will rub on my arm occasionally. Another greatly prefers my husband and lives in his machine shop instead of coming to the house like the others.

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  32. You are truly the Cat Whisperer or Pussy Warrior.Either distinguishable titles suit you Les!Love the wee video.:)

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  33. Adorable :) Love the video. I was a little worried when I saw the link was titled "Pussy Warrior," but am glad I did. I have the same affection for cats.

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  34. I'm not surprised....I knew...you have open mind and big heart..The title was a magnet for me! The best! :)

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