Friday, 27 May 2011

Let go and Live

Old scars
“The teacher and the taught, together, create the teaching.” – Jade Goody

Sixteen months ago, I was a heartbroken wreck, mourning the loss of 'love' from a woman I had convinced myself I needed more than oxygen in my lungs. Each morning, when I awoke, I wished I hadn’t. I looked back over my life and it seemed nothing but a long and slow, torturous shadow-life of depression and failure. I wanted to destroy myself, but the fear of death must have been stronger than the fear of life… though that delicate balance was edging closer to my suicide.

Fifteen months ago, I was happier than I’d ever been. I’d wake with a smile on my face, and in my heart, and each moment was exhilarating – filled with a joy I’d never experienced. All the pain in my life had been dissolved. I could search my mind and look at things that used to shred me, and they had become nothing but benign curiosities. I was at peace.

What happened to facilitate such a dramatic shift of perspective?

I woke up.

A spontaneous, spiritual awakening.


(There are other sections of my blog that describe this process in more detail – particularly the ‘Awakening’ posts in November and December of last year – so check them out, if you wish, if you haven’t already.)

I feel the time has come to start teaching others how to find this same state of peace within themselves (and it is within and available to everyone), so I’m looking for a small team of volunteers to work with, for our mutual benefit.

Naturally, I need the experience of teaching to become a better teacher, so there’s going to be an element of trial and error to begin with… but I’m not lacking in passion or commitment, and I’ll give as much time as needed – for free, of course.

I should point out that this is not a religious thing. Lesism is just a word and I’m not attempting to start a cult, here! I won’t be asking for donations towards a billboard campaign, and I promise not to make you drink anything.

The only thing needed to take advantage of this process is an open mind.

If you’re not happy in your life… if you’re depressed and anxious, maybe going through a rough patch and you’re not sure what to do… or perhaps if you can’t get to sleep at night because your mind won’t stop racing… then I’m sure I can help.

If I’m not describing you, here, but you feel any of that fits for someone else you know, then have them check through my blog and get in touch?

There may be a resignation that you’ve tried everything else, so there’s no point contacting me – that there’s nothing I can offer that will change things – but I’ve been through long years of having anti-depressants thrown at me by my GP, speaking to community psychiatric nurses and psychologists… I volunteered myself on two occasions to spend time in a psychiatric hospital… I’ve got the scars on my wrist and the memory of near-fatal overdoses…

This process of ‘present awareness’ is the only thing that has worked, and it has changed my life beyond recognition.

If you imagine a smooth, convex dish – or an upturned bowl – I would describe, before I learnt how to do this, that trying to be happy was like attempting to balance a ball-bearing on the top of it. Even if I did manage to keep it dead centre and still for a moment, it would take just the smallest of bumps for it to slide off.

Now, it’s like a concave dish, and no matter how bumpy life is and how much the ball-bearing rolls around, it always returns to the centre, and to stillness.

Peace is your natural state of being.

All of my blogs without (Tags) are either about or a result of my awakening, so please have a check through those and – if you’re intrigued and want to know more – email me at:

Everything you say or write to me is completely confidential, and my time is completely free… so if you’re unhappy and don’t want to stay that way, you have nothing to lose by contacting me.


  1. I'm so happy that you were able to turn your life around! It is very generous of you to offer your services for free. I am very happy you found me on twitter and I look forward to getting to know you! @gogorach

  2. Finding peace and live your life, or even better: your dreams is incredibly difficult for many. I admit, I do look often back and wish something would have gone a different path, but then it's what made me the person I am today and I'm proud to be this person. So I think I'm on good way ;-)

  3. You're doing great, Stella. ;-)

  4. I've been there. I know that pain. And I also know that incredibly liberating, exhilarating feeling of waking up. I think what you're doing is amazing. Keep it up.

  5. Thank you, Shéa! It's wonderful, eh? :-)

  6. It's so strange, I thought I had already made a comment on this blog entry. As I read more of your blog, I realize you are the perfect person for a family member of mine to be friends with. He was in the same boat as you, and he mind is rattled by mistakes and would ifs of his past and he is such a closed off person that its so difficult to have a normal conversation with him. Maybe one day in the future when he and I are on good terms, I will give him your email if that would be okay with you.

  7. Absolutely fine with me... though there are no guarantees... it would have to be on his terms. :-)