Tuesday, 14 August 2012

The Cat Olympics 2014


Now that the Queen has finally stopped Jubilating, and with the rather enjoyable London 2012 Olympic Games done and dusted, I get the impression the people of Great Britain (and Northern Ireland) are going to feel a bit lost over the next few years.

With the exception of the impending Paralympic Games, and excluding the remote possibility of a state funeral for yet-to-die former Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, there are no great celebrations left on the horizon. We’ve done them all. Granted, we did them well, but now they’re over.

So, in order to invigorate and ignite the British spirit once more, I’ve decided to push my best idea ever (thus far):

The Inaugural Oxfordshire Cat Pride Olympiad 2014


In 2014 (subject to funding), the Oxfordshire town of Wheatley, in England, will be hosting its inaugural Cat Pride Olympiad (which you may have realised is just the same information in the subtitle, above, but padded out a bit to more effectively fill some paragraph space).

Cats, kittens and their personal assistants will gather from all four corners of the globe to compete in a multitude of disciplines, including:

The High Jump of Surprise

Judged on the vertical launch height achieved by the cat when it is startled.


Laser Pen Gymnastics

Judged on grace and poise, with extra points for red-dot contact and buffoonery.

Boxing

Single and synchronised attempts to fit into the smallest box possible.


The Down and Up the Stairs (Singles)

The cat runs down the stairs, stops stock still in the living room, looks up at the ceiling with lowered ears, growls, then runs dramatically back up the stairs, freaking out the cat’s personal assistant, who now thinks the house is haunted.

The Down and Up the Stairs (Doubles Relay)

One cat runs down the stairs, stops stock still in the living room, looks up at the ceiling with lowered ears, growls, and the other cat - who was just sitting quietly on a chair, snoozing – spooks and legs it up the stairs, freaking out the cats’ personal assistant, who now thinks the house is haunted.

Snow Jumping

How far a confused, cold kitten can jump from the hole they made when you dropped them in deep snow, for a giggle.


The Catathlon

Across a fence, down a wall, through a cat flap, curl into a ball and sleep.

The Grass Throw

Both a timing and distance discipline, beginning from the moment the cat begins eating a clump of grass, then the distance from the cat’s mouth the pool of bile and chewed grass eventually ends up. Double points if it’s on carpet. Triple points if it’s on the cat’s assistant’s bed.

The Superbowl

How fast can a hungry kitty clean its bowl of meaty chunks?

The 5am Howl

How loud, in decibels, can a cat meow before its personal assistant feels compelled to get out of bed to feed them?

Dressage

Timing how long it takes, from beginning to dress the cat up in an humiliating outfit, until its personal assistant loses some blood.


Synchronised Sleeping


The Perch of Danger

The cat’s attempt to find the highest, most precarious place they can sit. Extra points if they fall asleep, there, without falling off.


I’m sure you’ll all agree that this festival of the world’s finest felines will make London 2012 look like a gathering of village idiots, and I hope you’ll all give me your support as I move forward and work towards raising the mere $30 billion needed to ensure the Games are a stunning, and secure, success.

This $40 billion will go primarily towards:
  • Cat toys.
  • Cat food.
  • Lactose-free milk.
  • Scratching posts.
  • 14 x 2.5 megaton nuclear warheads, with ICBM delivery systems (for general security purposes)
  • A giant, 500ft high, solid gold statue of a cat, with living quarters, which – as Executive Chief King of the Feline Olympic Committee – I’ll live in, during the games.
  • A hollowed-out volcanic island – which I’ll live in, after the games.
Every single penny of the £55 billion budget will go towards advancing the spirit of cats competing in Olympics, so, please, donate today!

Looking forward to seeing you in Wheatley in 2014! :-)

16 comments:

  1. I can tell you're a cat slave of many years standing. Am going to have to add you to my blog-roll...

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  2. this is fantastic, are you my long lost love?

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  3. haha i have a crazy cat that could enter right away :P

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  4. Les, you kill me with how much you like pussy,
    eden

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  5. You've given me the best of giggles. Particularly like the Grass Throw but all Competitions show your love, extensive knowledge & ownership by cats of long-standing. Always enjoy your Lesisms;-)

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  6. I would be happy to enter every event... apart from the one involving snow. Might I also suggest 'most inventive place to cough up a furball' (staff's shoes gets top marks).

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  7. You see now, I would have watched these Olympics. Mimi might well have participated. She is a former champion Curtain Pole Gymnast - her speciality being: taking a flying leap at a curtain, scrambling up to the top, hanging by both front paws from the curtain pole and hoisting herself up, then tightrope walking along the top before sliding gracefully down to the windowsill with the curtain on top of her. Gold Medal! Lovely blog, Les!

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  8. How about the 100m run-away-from-dogs? 8 or 9 dogs line behind the cats,bark loudly and scare them,causing them to run 100M away from the dogs chasing them.

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  9. This is awesome!
    I especially like "The Perch of Danger and "Laser Pen Gymnastics" those would be events worth paying to see :o)

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  10. I really enjoyed that Les it made me laugh a lot. I have been a cat assistant for many years, currently without a boss though since our beloved Charliecat passed on Xmas Eve 2009, a sad Christmas :o( Just about getting ready to get back in the cat game :o) x

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  11. Brilliant! I feel I may have a good contender for the grass throw. *shudder*

    I feel there could also be a category for keyboard dancing?

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  12. Might I suggest an added event? How about the "Timed Bathtub Exodus," based upon how quickly a cat gets out of a full bathtub once he's fallen in. Double points if he's managed to maim his owner in the process. Extra points for how pathetic he looks drenched, and extra points for how quickly he bathes himself dry.

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  13. Hahahahahah..phew! Never laughed so much lately as I have done reading this blog complete with adorable piccies. I could enter my lovely 12 year old who is a triathalon achiever with a nought to 28 running speed, then a long jump to windowsill and a perfect dive to the bed where she immediately decides it is time for a kip. Should be good for a silver, anyway :) Thanks for the smiles, Les

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  14. I'll enter my cat in the 5am howl and The perch of Danger... masterful she is... pitty you haven't got china tipping, she'd be a gold for sure... This was a delightful post.

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  15. My Phoebe would like to enter in the "shot puss" category: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5u-lXejoBg

    We are training daily for 2014.

    Diane
    dianefarrbooks.com

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