The Cat Olympics 2014

Now that the Queen has finally stopped Jubilating, and with the rather enjoyable London 2012 Olympic Games done and dusted, I get the impression the people of Great Britain (and Northern Ireland) are going to feel a bit lost over the next few years.

With the exception of the impending Paralympic Games, and excluding the remote possibility of a state funeral for yet-to-die former Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, there are no great celebrations left on the horizon. We’ve done them all. Granted, we did them well, but now they’re over.

So, in order to invigorate and ignite the British spirit once more, I’ve decided to push my best idea ever (thus far):

The Inaugural Oxfordshire Cat Pride Olympiad 2014

In 2014 (subject to funding), the Oxfordshire town of Wheatley, in England, will be hosting its inaugural Cat Pride Olympiad (which you may have realised is just the same information in the subtitle, above, but padded out a bit to more effectively fill some paragraph space).

Cats, kittens and their personal assistants will gather from all four corners of the globe to compete in a multitude of disciplines, including:

The High Jump of Surprise

Judged on the vertical launch height achieved by the cat when it is startled.

Laser Pen Gymnastics

Judged on grace and poise, with extra points for red-dot contact and buffoonery.

Boxing

Single and synchronised attempts to fit into the smallest box possible.

The Down and Up the Stairs (Singles)

The cat runs down the stairs, stops stock still in the living room, looks up at the ceiling with lowered ears, growls, then runs dramatically back up the stairs, freaking out the cat’s personal assistant, who now thinks the house is haunted.

The Down and Up the Stairs (Doubles Relay)

One cat runs down the stairs, stops stock still in the living room, looks up at the ceiling with lowered ears, growls, and the other cat - who was just sitting quietly on a chair, snoozing – spooks and legs it up the stairs, freaking out the cats’ personal assistant, who now thinks the house is haunted.

Snow Jumping

How far a confused, cold kitten can jump from the hole they made when you dropped them in deep snow, for a giggle.

The Catathlon

Across a fence, down a wall, through a cat flap, curl into a ball and sleep.

The Grass Throw

Both a timing and distance discipline, beginning from the moment the cat begins eating a clump of grass, then the distance from the cat’s mouth the pool of bile and chewed grass eventually ends up. Double points if it’s on carpet. Triple points if it’s on the cat’s assistant’s bed.

The Superbowl

How fast can a hungry kitty clean its bowl of meaty chunks?

The 5am Howl

How loud, in decibels, can a cat meow before its personal assistant feels compelled to get out of bed to feed them?

Dressage

Timing how long it takes, from beginning to dress the cat up in an humiliating outfit, until its personal assistant loses some blood.

Synchronised Sleeping

The Perch of Danger

The cat’s attempt to find the highest, most precarious place they can sit. Extra points if they fall asleep, there, without falling off.

I’m sure you’ll all agree that this festival of the world’s finest felines will make London 2012 look like a gathering of village idiots, and I hope you’ll all give me your support as I move forward and work towards raising the mere $30 billion needed to ensure the Games are a stunning, and secure, success.

This $40 billion will go primarily towards:

• Cat toys.
• Cat food.
• Lactose-free milk.
• Scratching posts.
• 14 x 2.5 megaton nuclear warheads, with ICBM delivery systems (for general security purposes)
• A giant, 500ft high, solid gold statue of a cat, with living quarters, which – as Executive Chief King of the Feline Olympic Committee – I’ll live in, during the games.
• A hollowed-out volcanic island – which I’ll live in, after the games.

Every single penny of the £55 billion budget will go towards advancing the spirit of cats competing in Olympics, so, please, donate today!

Looking forward to seeing you in Wheatley in 2014! :-)