Professor Elemental Interview

Interview with Professor Elemental

Ahh… Professor Elemental… this man is legend in my eyes, so it’s difficult to describe the magnitude of the sense of honour I feel in being able to present this interview with him… turn the dial up to twelve and you still won’t be close.

The Professor – the parallel-universal twin of Paul Alborough – is a time-travelling, steampunk, chap-hop rap star with an unquenchable thirst for tea and adventure. This caffeine-rattled explorer, philosopher, philanthropist and animal experimentalist is quite simply one of the funniest characters I’ve witnessed in my life.

I can’t recall how it came about I clicked on the link to watch his video, Fighting Trousers, for the first time, but I can remember the huge smile that came to my face a few seconds later, then the laugher as I watched it through.

He’s the best of English humour, wrapped up in rhyme and cipher – an instantly delightful chap who you endear to immediately and later, when you get to listening to the rest of his album, worry a bit about. You wonder if a man should be spending so much time with an orangutan and badgermingo.

Fighting Trousers - a diss song in response to ‘biting’ from inferior arch-rival, Mr B, the ‘Gentleman Rhymer’ – would pass with Cambridge-grade marks as a stand-alone comedy sketch, but very quickly, as the song progresses, you realise that the genius humour is matched in equal measure by an outstanding rapping ability.

I shared that song on Facebook and my Dad got back in touch after 14 years to comment: “lol!” And he still hasn’t accepted my friend request.

My friend Dan, an FBI-known musical pirate (in the sense of stealing copyrighted music online (and from shops sometimes, too) rather than anything to do with singing and dancing with sailors… though, there were some stories) even PAID FOR and downloaded the Professor’s album, The Indifference Engine… such was his respect and admiration for this man’s music. (The last piece of music Dan paid for was Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice – the original release. He still plays it, too. And does the dance.)

I bought The Indifference Engine when I went up to live at Loch Lomond, in the Highlands of Scotland, and made it to the peak of the mighty 3,194ft Ben Lomond to the accompaniment of energising tracks such as Splendid, Cup of Brown Joy and Animal Magic… as well as, of course, Fighting Trousers, which made me feel like I was taking the mountain back for England!

Please, please follow this excellent man on Twitter - @Prof_Elemental – and make repeated investigatory visits to his action-packed website at: www.professorelemental.com

My spider senses tell me this perfect English gentleman is on the verge of megastardom, and it’s going to be a ride just to watch his rise. Like with JFK, 9/11 and when Take That confirmed they were getting back together, for long generations to come, people will be asking where you were when you first heard Professor Elemental.

So, it is my utmost pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, to introduce the legend…

… the Monty Python of Hip Hop…

… the eternally splendid…

… Professor Elemental!

www.professorelemental.com

@Prof_Elemental

Q&A with Professor Elemental

Where do you live, and when? Which year do you go to put your feet up and have a nice cup of tea?

I live in the very heart of Sussex, England, tucked away in the seldom-seen Elemental Manor, which was briefly opened as a Stately Home, but then closed again half an hour later and moved by the National Trust to a secret location, for the protection of the public.

For a nice cuppa, I tend to pop to Tuesday the 5th of September, 1954. The weather was perfectly reasonable and nothing much happened, so it’s just right for a quiet tea and a sit down on the lawn.

Can you give us a guide to your wardrobe? How many pairs of ‘occasion trousers’ do you own, and have you ever pushed past all the fur coats at the back and discovered a mysterious alternate universe which features talking lions?

I did once clear out my wardrobe, but sadly all I found back there was a copy of ‘The Naked Ape’ by Desmond Morris. Apparently, Geoffrey - my orangutan butler - had thought it some sort of erotic text for simians, but then discarded it in disgust.

As for my wardrobe, it is nearly all knitted by my dear mother; apart from the trousers, which I invent myself. I have over 70 pairs, including my time-travel trousers, badger-baiting  trousers and, of course, my fighting trousers… which are sadly rather frayed from over-use in the taking down of rivals.

What’s the story behind your time-travel trousers? How did they come into your possession?

I was given them by my future self, when I asked where he got them from. He told me that he had visited himself from the past to give them to himself and then pass them onto me. Where they came from originally, I’m not sure… but it was definitely the future. Or the past.

What attracted you to rap and Hip Hop, rather than other genres of music throughout the ages?

Because Hip Hop is, quite simply, the best form of music - nothing compares to the raw energy and the ability to talk about anything at length, from any angle. It also manages to be ridiculous at times, particularly when it doesn’t mean to be, and I find that rather endearing. 

Which was your favourite year for Hip Hop, and who are your greatest influences?

Undoubtedly, 1994 remains the finest year for me. Everyone was in their prime around that time: A Tribe Called Quest, Gangstarr, Nas, Redman… so many classics that completely rewrote what Hip Hop should be.

That said, it’s a secret that Hip Hop constantly likes to think the previous decade was loads better. In the 90s everyone was banging on about how good the 80s were and so on. And every year I hear music that blows my mind. It’s still fresh as it ever was.

I am influenced mostly by those around me, plus the likes of Vivian Stanchell and Hoffnung, they are a huge influence on the comedic side of things. And Tom Caruana’s beats are always a spark to get me writing.

How has Hip Hop evolved in 3011?

It’s devolved into a dirty rap primordial sludge to wallow in. Much better, less shiny.

Are there more Elementals in the ether?

Well, through workshops, I have taught many new emcees and I like to think there are a few Minimentals out there.  Plus, of course, the clones! My cloning machine is a bit broken, so many of them are different sizes or colours or shapes, but it’s always good to have a rainbow coloured army of misshapen clones at your disposal if needed. 

What’s the single-most greatest thing you’ve discovered in your explorations?

That there is no food that can’t be improved with the addition of maple syrup.

Have you ever thought of (or tried) introducing Hip Hop earlier than the time of its natural birth – such as in the court of Henry VIII, or around the time of Jesus? I quite like the idea of Greensleeves having a bit of repartee to it, and the Bible would be much more popular to the youth of today if it was available on iTunes and had a good bass line. Was Jesus a good rapper?

I did go back and battle Jesus, you know - he was a bit of a ‘name’ in his time and I thought it would be good for my reputation if I beat him in a rap battle, but there was quite some controversy about my victory… He had just been nailed to the cross and it was suggested that he wasn’t at his best.

Generally, I try to keep out of that side of time travel. One wrong move and suddenly the Nazis have won or we’re on Planet of the Apes or something - and believe me that’s no joke… I’ve spent time on the Planet of the Apes. It smelled bloody awful.

Do you think you’ll ever bury the hatchet with Mr B, in a non-axe sort of way? Would you be prepared to record with him, if he sorted out his attitude?

Oh goodness me, yes! We are planning that very thing now… after Meadowlands, we agreed to have a gentlemanly fight on record, just to let the public decide how much better than him I am.

How did employing Geoffrey, your orangutan butler, come about – and what exactly did happen to your previous butler that you had to resort to primates?

Well, it’s a long story- soon to be revealed in the Professor Elemental comic book - now in production (I am not above a quick plug). As for my previous bulter, Pugh, well let’s just say that he moved on. Or was accidently melded with a grotesque beast from the netherworld and now resides in chains in the attic. Whichever you like.

 

You are renowned for your (humane) animal fusion experiments… can you give us some examples of your greatest successes, and let us know which is your favourite?

I was always very fond of the badgermingo. I have often dreamed of riding a flock of them to the Americas to peck out the eyes of Piers Morgan.

Paraphrasing Oscar Wild’s description of the country tradition of fox hunting – “The uneatable, pursued by a shower of bastards in top hats.” – which animal would you fuse with a fox to give it the best survival chances against a pack of hounds and Prims-soaked men on horseback? A tyrannosaurus fox perhaps?

Yes, that would be ideal. Or I would just equip the fox with heavy artiliery. A fox on his own is vulnerable, but a fox with a rocket launcher strapped to his back is not to be trifled with.

What was your first computer?

It was an Amstrad, just at the time all of my friends got Amigas. I was laughed out of the gentlemen’s club for that one. 

You seem to have a lot of fun with your following on Twitter. Have you always been happy to mingle with the commoners, or has social networking given you a chance to engage with them without suffering the smell?

I can honestly say that pretty much everyone I have met on Twitter is someone who I could imagine hanging out with - apart from the spam bots, who would be very dull company.  Plus, the most wonderful things have come from that site, including this interview.  And I imagine everyone on there to smell just lovely, like fresh tea-cakes or the scent in a forest after rain.

Rumour has it that you’re going to be returning to the 21st Century for a prolonged stay, beginning this September. Does this mean that fans will have more opportunities to see you performing around the country and wider world? What next for the Professor?

YES PLEASE! Come October, I will be everywhere! Please check www.professorelemental.com in a few weeks as more details are announced. I’ll be hopefully over in the States too.  First up though is weekend at the asylum in Lincoln in September and the white mischief Halloween ball on the 29th September in London. Both should be a blast.

Plus I am lucky enough to be working on a cartoon, comic, toy and a fresh new album for next year!

There are many splendid times ahead!

You can follow Professor Elemental on Twitter at @Prof_Elemental – and, really, I can’t recommend that strongly enough. He’s brilliant and very, very funny… definitely one of my favourite follows… apart from you, of course – but that goes without saying! Now come here and give me a hug! #nicesave

Also, there are loads of goodies stored about his website. Have a good rattle around at: www.professorelemental.com

And CLICK HERE to go to the iTunes page to buy the excellence-encrusted album, The Indifference Engine.

The Norway Atrocities, Amy Winehouse, Judgement & Compassion

I was going to write a blog about Friday’s horrific bombing and subsequent shooting massacre in  Norway, and the very clear connection with the dysfunctional mind…

… then I heard about Amy Winehouse’s death…

… so I decided I’d write a blog about the Norway atrocities and the passing of Amy Winehouse, and the common link in both tragedies… the dysfunctional mind…

… then I read this, on Twitter:

“91 innocents lost to us - why should I give a damn about a drug addicted singer who couldn't cope with fame and fortune! #perspective”

… a third, though more subtle example of the dysfunctional mind.

I wrote this, last week, in the 2012 & the Awakening Phenomenon blog I posted here:

"You are the key component in the transformation from a violent, greedy, ever-judgemental society, towards a veritable heaven on Earth."

Judgement/prejudgement/prejudice is one of the greatest, most destructive, most abhorrent flaws of our species. It is a virulent psychological disease that has driven the slaughter of millions upon millions of people.

It is an absence of compassion. Compassion is not a discriminatory virtue.

It was judgement and a vacuum of compassion that had Anders Behring Breivik calmly walking around Utoeya island, on Friday, summarily executing scores of children.

Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, Stalin, Pol Pot, Ida Amin… they weren’t some supernatural incarnations of evil in human form… they were human beings, with human minds… subject to the same dysfunction we are all prone to, if left unchecked.

None of these people single-handedly killed the tens of millions they are collectively deemed to be responsible for murdering…

… like a psychic virus, their judgement and lack of compassion spread, rank and file… starting with an influence of hundreds, then thousands, then tens of thousands…

Judgement can begin in one person, or one group of people, and end with millions dead. You only have to look at the history books to see that truth.

Going back to that Twitter comment…

“91 innocents lost to us - why should I give a damn about a drug addicted singer who couldn't cope with fame and fortune! #perspective”

This was similar to many other posts I saw which displayed selective compassion… judgement… hypocrisy…

Amy Winehouse was 27-years-old; a young woman, and from my perspective of being ten years older, just a kid. She was an immensely gifted singer and songwriter – a proper genius with her music – yet haunted by her own mind.

While I don’t know how or why she actually died, it’s clear that she had struggled for many years to find compassion in herself, for herself… and it’s a given that the process of addiction led to and was exacerbated by self-doubt, low self-esteem and real human agony… a shadow-life of self-judgement… critical over-thinking and inner-torture.

She lost the fight.

People that never knew her other than from tabloid news stories - who were probably singing the praises of the fall of the News of the World in the UK, earlier this month, despite getting all their gossip and having their sense of moral superiority inflated by the perpetual judgement spouted by that socially toxic publication and its ilk – are smarming to themselves, saying they saw it coming, and they display absolutely no compassion to a life lost in such tragic circumstances.

When you break down the truly shocking Norway death-toll of 92 (for the confirmed dead… and there are four people missing from Utoeya, and possibly more bodies in unstable, bombed-out buildings in Oslo) you find that they become individual tragedies…

For each life lost, there’s a devastated family with their hearts broken, right now… parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins… girlfriends and boyfriends… friends…

How different is their incomprehensible grief to that of Amy Winehouse’s mother and father, waking up this morning and remembering their little girl is dead?

…

Practice compassion… not judgement…

If you catch yourself judging people, if you say the wrong words, don’t beat yourself up… don’t judge yourself, too… forgive and let go. Learn and return to compassion.

Judgement will always lead us down dark paths, both in the mind and in society, and it spreads like a plague.

Compassion will always lead us to the light, and the more you practice it - the more you display it and make it part of your life - the more people around you will practice it, too.

We have a simple choice that can steer the direction of mankind… to destruction, or to salvation.

Judgement or compassion.

Which do you choose?

* * * * *

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All For Love...

I’d like to ask you all for a really, really special favour…

The excellent couple above are Ray and Monika (I’ll let you guess which is which), and I met them both when I was working at the worst pub in the world, The Foxless Hound, in a village I can’t remember the name of, on the outskirts of a city I’d rather forget, when I was going out with the woman who I got so depressed over that I went to woods intent on doing away with myself – as described in The Woodpecker at the End of the World post.

Ray and Monika, along with a few other staff at the pub, were beacons of happy light in what turned out to be a rather grim experience, and I’m eternally grateful for their warmth and friendship.

Monika is Ray’s fiancé, and, fortunately for Ray, he is also Monika’s fiancé… which means they’re officially engaged to be married! Whoo-hoooo!

Now…

Ray proposed to Monika at The Indigo Pearl Resort, in Phuket (which is a place, in Thailand, rather than some expletive I wrote for the heck of it).

She said yes! Whoo-hoooo!

It just so happens that the same hotel is running a competition through its Facebook page, with the top prize being a 5-day stay in one of their luxury suites.

The lovely couple intend to return to the appropriately-named Phuket (*tee-hee*) for their Honeymoon, and this prize would cover half of their stay, meaning they’d have more money to spend on velvet sheets, goose fat and Barry White records, in order to get the most out of their special time together.

Monika has already entered the competition, submitting a photo and a review of their earlier visit, and this is where you guys come in…

We need to get (to be safe) about 5000 Facebook Likes on Monika’s photo to safely propel them to a winning position – though loads more would be even better, of course.

It’s a very simple process to do this… though you do need a Facebook account (and let’s face it, most people in the world have!)

First of all, click HERE – and LIKE the Hotel’s Facebook Page.

Then, click HERE and LIKE Monika’s photo.

And that’s it…

But…

… we need to get as many people as we possibly can to do this.

So, could you tell all your friends? Not simply by ReTweeting this blog post (though do that, too, of course), but by personally asking them to join in the fun… bending their arms if need be, or perhaps by using some sort of threat or method of extortion I’m too innocent to understand.

Tell as many people as you can, because it’s going to take a heck of a push to make sure we get enough Likes to send Monika and Ray off on Honeymoon in the style they deserve!

Let’s make this a fun challenge and ensure they win!

Love, happiness, fun and Phuket… a perfect combination.

Again, go HERE to Like the Hotel…

… then HERE to Like Monika’s photo.

Don’t go THERE, though… noooooo, don’t go THERE!

You can follow Ray - @rayyyberry – and Monika - @Monikak28 – on Twitter, too, to keep up with their progress.

Please, let’s do something a little special and make sure they win!

2012 & The Awakening Phenomenon

It’s important that you read this post slowly and carefully, as it contains vital information about your life. Imagine your voice is being played back in slow motion;  reduce the speed of the movement of your eyes as you look across the page and read every word, and please ensure you absorb the entire post.

The awakening phenomenon is occurring all over the planet.

Irrespective of race, creed, colour and all other demographic labels,  people are letting go of their emotional chains and destructive mental patterns – microcosmic of the symptomatic dysfunction in consciousness of a civilisation that has been corrupted over thousands of years by the will of the few – and are waking up to their true nature, their true potential, their true power and to true life.

This is actually happening.

I know some people reading will be rolling their eyes and thinking I’ve been on the gin, but it’s more than likely you know someone who has gone through the same seemingly impossible shift of consciousness, even if they’re not quite sure what exactly happened, yet.

Ask around…

And then, some of you – quite a lot of you, it seems – will know exactly what I mean, because you’ve either woken up already or have begun that process of awakening.

I’ve received a lot of comments, Tweets and emails on the subject of awakening since applying steam to the work I want to do through my blog, and it seems that at least every other day, I meet someone else who has woken up… and people of all backgrounds; just normal, everyday folk, who have stumbled into what appears to be a miraculous new world.

I’ve also had quite a few emails on the subject of 2012 and the connection to awakenings, and how we should ‘prepare’ ourselves for the events of next year.

For the uninitiated, the advent of 2012 – specifically, Friday 21^st December, 2012  - brings with it the end of the time and space… the Universe will cease to be…

… or it could be less widespread, and involve a global cataclysm, bringing about the end of the world…

… or the collapse of civilisation as we know it…

… or we may be liberated from our folly by aliens who will finally reveal themselves to us, disarm all our weapons, cleanse our environment and help us grow up as a species… 

… or we may shift from the third dimension to the fourth, fifth and sixth dimensions – and some bright spark is going to make a fortune from selling special glasses if this particular prophecy comes true.

There are even some people who believe that 2012 will lead to… 2013…

Heretics!

Basically, you can find thousands of different theories and variations of theories on the subject… and obviously not all of them are going to happen, if any at all… so which of the people behind these bold statements are telling the truth, which are exaggerating the possibilities and which – as we say here in England – are talking out of their arses?

I have no idea, to be quite honest, but here’s my take on how to deal with the oncoming whatever of 2012…

Don’t worry about it.

Just put it out of your mind completely, because it’s 2011 at the time of writing this…

Even if you’re reading this in the future, in the actual space-year 2012, don’t let it stress you. The very fact that you’re cozied up, browsing the internet, shows that nothing particularly bad is happening to you at the very moment of reading these words.

I suppose there is a remote possibility that you’re reading this right on 21^st December, 2012, and you’re looking out of your penthouse window at the approaching Godzilla, knowing you’re about to die, and you have the urge to write one last comment on my blog, stating - probably with lots of exclamation marks at the end - that I was very, very wrong.

If that’s the case, I’m sorry – but if you’d read my blog earlier than now, you’d have had the foresight to buy a microlight for just such a situation, wouldn’t you? It’s not that you couldn’t have afforded it, what with the cost of that fancy apartment. You’d be up on the roof already, laughing as you crank up the engine and put on your flying goggles.

I digress…

I know that the awakening phenomenon is a truth, because I’ve been lucky enough to experience it first-hand.

I also know that those who haven’t yet experienced it first-hand have no idea whether I’m telling the truth, simply because it sounds so implausible that I could shift from being a ‘lifer depressive’ to being completely at peace, with ancient wisdom spontaneously flooding my head, within the space of an hour.

I love the idea of UFOs appearing all over the planet next year - and I have watched quite a lot of footage on YouTube of some very mysterious sightings - but do I really believe that they’re going to reveal themselves, en-mass?

No…

How could I possibly be 100% sure of that and say yes?

And it’s not that I don’t believe in intelligent life from other planets… in fact, the complete opposite is true – of course there must be. You just have to look up on a clear night and realise how many other stars and galaxies there are out there in the Universe, and of course there’s life out there, with species that have survived and developed for millions and millions of years, compared to the human civilisation which is only about 13,000 years old.

It’s just that when I read messages posted on the Internet (often with shocking grammar) from these so-called ancient masters of the cosmos, announcing that they are about to carry out complete disclosure and uncloaking of the motherships that are already stationed in Earth’s orbit, it all sounds a bit like someone has been on the gin and, with whatever good intent, they’re basically typing out something that other people would love to actually happen and may retweet or like on Facebook.

For me to believe this, it’s really going to be a case of them beaming into my room, looking me in the eye, and saying, either vocally or telepathically: “It’s cool, Les, we’re real and we’re here to save the world!”

Then I’d say: “Ace! But don’t ask me to spread your message to the wider world, because I have a big file at my doctor’s surgery that states I’ve been a bit of a mentalist in the past – so would you go and tell everyone else now, please?”

And I’m totally open to the fact that there may be people who have had direct contact with these beings… whether classed as aliens or angels or whatever else… but the truth is that I haven’t, so it would be wrong of me to make statements to the contrary by passing on information that I can’t verify as fact.

The difference between the awakenings and all these other speculations and predictions is that you already have this same peace and knowledge inside you, and all it will take for you to shift your consciousness is the awareness of that consciousness.

Unless you have some genuine physiological condition that affects your brain functions, it is possible for you to wake up right now.

It’s not possible for you to see a flotilla of alien craft in space right now. It’s not possible for you to witness what may happen on 21^st December 2012 right now. It’s not possible for you to be in some alternate dimension right now… I know that because I don’t publish my blog there, yet, though I do have a Google+ account.

You are here, right now…

... now… if you took notice of the first paragraph of this post, you’ll have been reading slow and carefully to this point.

The physical reading of the words and the attention you gave them anchored you into the present moment.

Assuming you did place your full attention on the words… where did those scathing thoughts about that part of your body you’re unhappy with go while you were reading? Or about the bill you were worried about paying? Or the pain of that relationship that never worked out? Or that person who bullied you 20 years ago, at school?

Your mind was silenced by the attention to the moment.

And through that silence, you awakened… however briefly…

This same silence is there when people read books, listen to music, dance, laugh, paint, sculpt, write, surf, skydive, stare out across the beauty of mountain landscapes and make love (not all at the same time, unless you’re some ace multi-tasker).

It’s through freedom from the destructive, repetitive, critical dialogue of the mind that we experience the greatest joys of real life.

And when you disarm the dysfunctional, egoic mind, you simultaneously remove yourself from the dysfunctional collective consciousness that causes the wider horrors in humanity.

At any point during the careful reading of this post did you feel a strong urge to have your country go to war with another nation? Did you have a particular revulsion to homosexuality, people you may have earlier considered were the wrong colour, or a staunch belief that women shouldn’t drive cars or be able to vote?

Present awareness gives you the peace within to force the silence of the mind that allows you to wake up, to experience true consciousness… and that’s why I would say that nobody should be worried about 2012, or any of the possibilities to come, because you have life available to you right now.

To change the world, we must first change within – and this internal change is absolutely possible, as you know, because you’ve just proven to yourself that you can silence your mind and rid yourself of all the destructive mental debris that you may have felt would never allow you to change.

This is more important to you than possible UFO saviours, developing an understanding of crystals and energy balancing, or trying to prepare, emotionally, for a cataclysm.

You are the change.

You are the key component in the transformation from a violent, greedy, ever-judgemental society, towards a veritable heaven on Earth.

And when you’re there, in the moment, at peace, loving your life, you’ll know that all that’s needed to make that change happen across the whole planet is more people just like you.

* * * * *

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Titan Talks!

Whoooooop! I just found this short video inside a musty folder in a dark corner of my computer, close to the chain-sealed files that the photographs of me with a pony-tail live.

Although the image quality isn't very quality, this is my favourite clip of my little guy, Titan - simply because of his excellent meowing performance.

You can also hear me speaking fluent Cat back to him.

This must have been taken six or seven years ago... and he doesn't look a day older. Meanwhile, I've lost all of the hair on my head and occasionally find new ones in my ears.

Lovely Titan..

Manfoxification Update #1

Okay… so it’s not quite Arnold Schwarzenegger standard,  but I’m really pleased with the progress I’m making at the gym, and after three weeks – along with the disappearance of my wobbly chin – I actually have some definition in my arms, which before looked like huge pork sausages...

I did a bit of weight training last year, when I was in Lochgoilhead, and the results gave me similar bicep definition as now, but since I was only doing dumbbell curls, it was just the biceps that were bulking up, whereas in the gym, I’m exercising the whole of the upper arm, including triceps and deltoids – both of which I can feel a much greater firmness to.

It’s a great multigym, with far more resistance in the available weights than I could lift at the moment, so plenty of scope for increasing that as I grow stronger.

I’m particularly impressed with my buttock clenching abilities, of late, as a result of the leg curls facility, though I should be wary not to overdo it and end up with an arse like Jennifer Lopes.

So with four weeks gone, I’d say I’ve made a good start… I’ve lost weight, I’ve firmed up and bulked out in the right places, and I feel a whole lot fitter and much stronger already. There is still a distance to go, of course, but I’m enjoying each step along the way.

It really is time to get some professional advice from the amazing @AmieHoffFitness, and I’ll set myself the task of updating the blog with her wisdom each weekend from now on.

Having found a photo of Arnie, I realise I don’t want to develop anything close to that muscle mass, because he looks like the stitched up remnants of an explosion in a cow shop.

Introducing... Titan the Ticklepuss!

This is short video featuring my excellent little friend, Titan (aka ‘The Ticklepuss’), who really is the happiest and friendliest cat I’ve ever had the pleasure to encounter, in my life.

There’s a true-life incident, featuring him, elsewhere on my blog, in the ‘The Curious Incident of the Cat in the Daytime’ post, which recounts the time he very nearly had me sectioned under the Mental Health Act. Go have a look, if you haven’t already…

I can’t recall a single time that Titan wasn’t purring: he purrs when you look at him or call his name, as soon as he wakes up, when din-dins is being served, when din-dins is being eaten… in fact, even whenever the phrase din-dins is used; when he’s sitting hopefully at the back door, meowing loudly to go outside, and particularly when the door is open and he can run about the garden, chasing things that only exist in his crazy brain.

He also has the nickname of ‘Pavarotti’, because he enjoys singing so much – and he’s actually very good at it, but his catty renditions of Nessun Dorma aren’t greatly appreciated at 3am, when he’s standing hopefully at the back door, purring, foolishly thinking he’ll actually be let out at that time.

Unfortunately, as lovable as he is, it seems his nemesis is his own brother, Orion – a very lovable, but occasionally very grumpy big ball of black fluff. Although they never hurt each other, they do quite a lot of slow-motion fighting, like some cat version of The Matrix.

Their mother, Scratchy, also doesn’t seem too fond of Titan, as he sniffs her bum a lot… she quickly sees him off with some fast-motion ninja strikes to the face, though.

Despite all this discord, and the fact that they pretend not to get along under the watchful eyes of humans, they are quite often  found all snuggled together in a big lump of fluff, fast asleep.

When Scratchy had her second litter of kittens, I once walked in and found Titan – who was about a year old at the time - lying on the bed with her. He had nudged the mewing kittens out of the way and was securely fastened to one of Scratchy’s titties, purring very loudly indeed. I can clearly recall that the look on Scratchy’s face suggested she was thinking, “Wtf?” and Titan had an expression of rumblement as he looked up at me.

Another thing about Titan is that, when the other two cats call me off the computer and I get on my bed to stroke them, you can guarantee that Titan will be there within 30 seconds, sitting at the foot of the bed. He has incredible intuition when it comes to cats that aren’t him being stroked. I can literally start counting down when I get on the bed, and there will be a dull thump from elsewhere in the house, then his little black ears will appear nearby.

I was there at the moment he was born, and we were friends before then, too, when he was just a bump in Scratchy’s belly.